I don't know why it took me so long to think of a username. I was honestly considering something cuter, like "moonkitty" or "darlingwendy" or "cakers", but considering what I'm planning on using this dreamwidth account for, I didn't think it'd be appropriate.

so fuck it, harpy it is.

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Throughout all my years in therapy, I never really bought into the idea of having separate journals for my mental illness. Most of my therapists have given me one, and I tend to not have them because I already have other journals. Plus, part of living with dysthymia is this idea that your mental illness is your personality, so it makes it really hard to distinguish.

I'm luckily past that point after 5 years of being diagnosed. I can pretty much identify what my issues are, as long as I'm not past the point of no return.

Just for funzies the record, here's what I deal with on a normal basis:

--Pretty much textbook dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder (PDD).
I don't really agree with the assumption that dysthymia is just *milder* major depression, as if dysthymia not nearly that bad. It is and it isn't. It's milder, but it's constant. I have a pessimistic personality that I spend a lot of time repressing in order to be "sociable". I work really, really hard to push through my constant negative thoughts, fatigue, and self-esteem issues in order to live a somewhat normal life.
I get double depression fairly often. I generally struggle with major depressive episodes, low stress threshold and lowered self-esteem. I commonly feel the urge to self-harm and suicidal tendencies.

Insomnia -- either sleeping too little, not feeling rested, or sleeping too late -- is also another result of dysthymia. This usually creates a cycle of sleep deprivation making me more depressed which worsens my sleeping schedule.

--Generalized anxiety disorder
Specifically regarding social situations, career, and fear of the future. Fairly intense, but apparently handled fairly well with coping mechanisms. Most people legitimately don't recognise my anxiety on a daily basis, despite having a lot. I generally become extremely fatigued after handling situations that cause me anxiety.

other anxieties I struggle with: clarifying myself properly, conveying my emotions, responses to new people, getting to know people better, feeling listened to

--Trust issues
This is complex. I guess it's a type of social anxiety, but I don't know. I'm still trying to understand.
I tend to have a hard time trusting people, especially new people. At my worst, I tend to stop trusting people who I consider very close to me and delve into self-destructive behavior, such as pushing them away or believing no one cares about me. I often feel that no matter how close someone is to me, I don't know how much they actually consider me as important.
I also have the strange, reverse reaction where I have an intense desire to get to know people better, but I become anxious about rushing into it too quickly (whether or not I actually do rush into it or not).
I often feel that people aren't listening or believing me and my perspectives. I get easily hurt when my opinions or thoughts are not taken seriously.
I feel uncomfortable when people keep secrets from me, innocent or not.
I keep most people at a distance. I don't really call people my "best friends" anymore. I don't know how to reconnect with most. I feel alone almost 80% of the time.

--Agoraphobia
This rarely happens anymore, thank goodness. My agoraphobia seems like a reaction from my anxiety disorder, or at least related in some way, because it began when I was extremely anxious. It tends to feel a lot like stage fright, but everything outside is a "stage" (that sounds like I'm quoting Shakespeare. I swear I'm not.)

--Mild post-traumatic stress disorder
it's really, really mild luckily. I have a sensitivity to sound. I used to blame my suppressed memory (and the tendency to struggle with recalling painful or stressful memories) on medication before realising that this was a trait of PTSD. I used to have intense flashbacks, but not recently.

These are all disorders that have been confirmed or diagnosed by a professional therapist.

Even though I have worked really hard to learn coping mechanisms, and I never really expect others to cater to my disorders... I still struggle a lot. My most recent double depression (which began around March 31st) has been bringing out the worst in me, but it's also made me realise I have a lot of unfinished business.

I have had multiple close relationships that have suddenly broken off and it's left me feeling like I have unresolved breakups. I have been treated terribly at work. I have issues with my family that I'd rather not talk about in a public space. And I don't feel comfortable talking about issues like my dysthymia and double depression on other platforms, where my business is out in the open.

So that's what this journal is for. I want to start settling my unfinished business. I want to start recovering and getting better, and if that means getting things off my chest I never would have been able to otherwise, so be it.

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This journal is (mostly) friends only. Please comment if you'd like to be added. A short introduction would be nice too, if I don't recognise or know your username off the bat.

I may make a new Livejournal for crossposting as well (because I still have some communities I lurk on LJ), so if you'd rather comment anonymously letting me know that you have an LJ account you'd rather watch me on, that's fine too.

Like always with love,
Kay